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Wednesday, 8 July 2015

My Bittersweet

You are my bittersweet
        my should not
               but I just can't help myself

My missing puzzle piece
        and yet
               not at all
                       
You are carved from an entirely different jigsaw


You and I 
         could never fit!

Not without reshaping ourselves
         and everyone around us
                  not without cutting out
                          painfully
                                  parts 
                                       of our very own souls

Yet...
         why does that knife still glint in your eye
                   awakening a darkling
                           nearly dead
                                 place within me
                                         which, craves stimulation
                                                    life?

Do I really
         so badly
                need to bleed?

Even...
         when I know the pain caused
                 would be so devastatingly unbearable  

A festering wound 
         which, could never heal
                 a sickness 
                        which, would erode my soul

A deep scar 
         which, would disfigure 
                 both myself and my loved ones
                        for life

No! 
         
You are merely an innocent
         yet selfish
                 "what could have been" love

A handsome bound book 
         which, beckons for me to open 
                   to peruse its enchanting narrative
                           to purvey its unread alluring plot
                                    to experience
                                             but only within my mind

An illusion
          an unobtainable ideal
                  a prayer for an antidote to a broken heart

A happily ever 
          never
                  a never
                            ever
                                     ever!

An "if only I knew then, what I know now"

A secret of the heart
           which belongs to only me

A guilty pleasure that makes my day
          even when I promise myself 
                   that I will
                           and must ignore

By you
           I have even been marginalised and mislead             
                    lead into a melancholic state of morose
                            of near mind-altering madness

Time
         and time again 
                 I have ridden your waves 
                         to my own destruction 

I have been swept up in your sultry surf
        allowing your patter 
                 to wash away my pain
                         and the sense of being
                                   so overwhelmingly
                                         alone!

I have felt your empty words fill me 
         the swell
                as your tide 
                         drew all its fickle
                                frivolous 
                                         affection 
                                                  towards my shores

But...
      for those blissful moments
                your waves of words 
                          soothed 
                                 my parched 
                                           and fragile
                                                  needful sands

I felt loved 
      wanted
               needed
                         craved
                                 adored!

As then
       you made me your moon
                 
Your life giver
       your saviour
                your sanctuary

I felt intrinsically the sheer pull between us

Ah...
        but alas
                it is all in my head
                         and perhaps my heart
                                    it also plays its part

No!

You are
        just a beautiful daydream
                a mirage to my unquenchable thirst
                         a figment of my fertile imagination
                                  my Loki
                                            my tormentor
                                                      MY...
                                                              bittersweet!

My internal deafening scream
         which can never 
                be heard! 

© Debbie Razey 2015